Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I Thought I Could Handle Anything

I really did. Nothing ever phases me. I'm a truly even keel kind of person. There's very little that ever upsets me.

And then I found out I have a 3.5 cm tumor in my head.

I've known about the acoustic neuroma for a couple of weeks now. Based on my few symptoms, we figured it was small-to-moderate (maybe 1 cm) and not affecting much other than my hearing. I've been doing all the research and this is a benign growth that is manageable and treatable.

Today I got a copy of the radiologist's report from my MRI. 3.5 cm. That's considered large. It's still treatable, but the risks go up. I can live without my hearing on one side - it's the possible facial paralysis that's a bit scary.

Now I'm questioning everything I'm feeling. If I have a headache and feel slightly dizzy at the end of the day, is that because I've been up for 14 hours taking care of two small boys on 5 hours sleep, or is it the neuroma? Is my left cheek really feeling a little tingly and heavy, or is that psychosomatic because I've read about those symptoms? Do I really feel touches of vertigo, or is that unconscious stress about the whole situation?

And now that I know all this, I just want to get in to see the specialist and get this over with. But it's still gonna be a while.

Yeah, this one is throwing me a bit of kilter. And I really didn't expect it. I'm not afraid for my life - truly. But I am gettig into the stage of self-pity and "Why me?"


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